Sufficient Gravity 1

What people don’t pay much attention to is the fact that during the summer, and all the seasons, for that matter, there are an infinite number of festivities and contests that take place throughout the land over, but for today’s installment we’re going to be featuring summer at coney island, live from under our feet.

A large number of ants.
And one human.

The ants are divided by class, which is measured by their total volume. This is tabulated by the displacement method, with a small measuring cup half-filled with water. Some ants never make their way out of the cup, and that is one way of weeding out the contestants.

In the name of fairness, the ants are allowed only to compete against other ants of the same class.

One class at a time, the ants line up, with sufficient room on every side. At the sound of the whistle, each ant releases as much personal gravity as is antly possible, at the same time that a person blows, as hard as is humanly possible, right over the line of ants. The last single ant who remains, while all the others have blown away, is the winner.

At the end of the day, there is a complicated algorithm that determines which ant from which class is the true winner of the entire contest, and often, it just so happens to be that the winner is an unsuspecting ant from the main isle of Japan, as it also happens to be that the only witnesses to the whole event are the delicate flowers, who look on with bemusement at the thought.

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